19th Century Mourning Rituals and Customs

C.A. Asbrey

In the 19th century the average life expectancy was much shorter than it is today. That was not to say that everyone pegged out in their fifties, but rather that the high rate of infant mortality dragged down the average age by a considerable margin. As did infection, childbirth, and a lack of access to modern medicine. If you lived in a major city, you could expect to see funeral most days, The Victorians lived with death in a way their ancestors would recognise, and most of the rituals and traditions came directly from their own past. True to form though, they added their own twist as modern inventions allowed them to immortalize their loved one with photographs, trains allowed corpses to be transported over long distances, and sewing machines gave people more access to the clothing required to dress according the rigid strictures of the day.

In a less secular society, many were convinced of their place in heaven, and were therefore more afraid of not being properly mourned than of death itself. Not being mourned meant that not only were you not loved, it spoke of a lack of social position, and told the world that your life didn’t matter. The romanticism of the time congealed into a morbid ritualism. A show of exaggerated grief was a mark of gentility, and the new middle classes embraced it with enthusiasm. 

The rules for who wore what, and for how long, were complicated, and were outlined in popular journals or household manuals. They gave copious instructions about appropriate mourning etiquette. If your second cousin died, and you wanted to know what sort of mourning clothes you should wear and for how long, you consulted The Queen or Cassell’s or other popular manuals. Not all deaths required the same length of mourning. It was important to get it right.

During the American Civil War the unprecedented loss of life meant that many soldiers went unidentified, and were buried at the site of the battle. The prohibitive cost of transporting the bodies home were also beyond the reach of many families. One Connecticut father remarked to a local newspaper that transporting his son’s remains from Washington, DC, to Winsted cost $125.00—almost $2,000 in today’s money—and the trip was not possible without “the personal attendance of some friend, and every step is attended by some incidental expense.” This meant that those who were being repatriated were treated as a kind of surrogate target for mourning. Crowds flocked to the trains, at every stage of the journey, to pay their respects to the men they never knew in an outpouring of public grief which marked their own personal loss – a loss they couldn’t mark with the burial of their own loved one, as he was lost in some distant battlefield.      

Women were seen as vessels for grief, and the restrictions on their dress and behavior were greater than they were for men. For men a dark suit would do, and they were able to back to their normal clothes in a very short period of time. The black applique to the lapels, which is still seen today as a fashion item, first came to prominence during the French Revolution among mourning Aristocrats in England. This could be worn either with, or without, the addition of a black crepe armband. The armband first came into use in England in the 18th century when regiments began wearing a fixed uniform for the first time. Before the 18th century not all servants or soldiers wore a standardized dress, and many soldiers only shared a common type of coat or headgear. The armband should be worn on the top of the left arm, and should be worn for a period of a year. Some army regiments and sportsmen wear them on the right so as not to cover insignia, or to be confused with a leader’s armband. The use of an armband was a handy way for soldiers, servants, and the poor to signal their mourning, without the cost of replacing their uniforms or normal clothing. A black diamond of fabric could also serve the same function. Children were not expected to wear mourning clothes beyond the day of funeral itself, and girls often wore white dresses on the day. Women were not so lucky.

It’s a popular misconception that everyone wore black to the funeral. In fact, that would have been considered very rude. Muted shades were suitable, but deep black was reserved for the family only. When attending a funeral, men would wear a black armband, and women would wear a black cockade on their left arm.

Black was their shield from society at a time of grief. It gave them space and time to come to terms with their loss. Widows were not even expected to shop for the basics, with relatives and neighbors stepping in to assist. The house was kept quiet, clocks were stopped at the time of death in the room where the deceased was laid out for visiting. Mirrors were covered in black crepe, blinds were drawn, doors were dressed with a wreath and more black crepe, stationary had a black border, and door bells were muted. It was even known for the street outside to be strewn with reeds to mute the sound of traffic as it traveled by the home of the bereaved. The Victorian street was a very, very noisy place – probably more so than the modern version, and the mourning family had to be relieved of the stress of the cacophony. Visitors would bring flowers and cards trimmed with a black border. Some may even sign a book of condolence.

‘The whole rhythm of dress conventions could be disturbed by funerals which did not obey the dictates of the calendar. ‘The finer shades of mourning’, we learn, ‘were the test of the Perfect Lady.’ Even at weddings, where only brides worse veils, many wedding dresses were grey or lavender coloured, not white, as a sign of half mourning.’ [Briggs, 1988: 265]

Businesses were quick to capitalize on the need for a full mourning wardrobe, making much of the fact that it was considered bad luck to keep mourning clothes. It made sure there was repeat business. Many older women followed Queen Victoria’s lead and stayed in deep mourning for the rest of their lives. That in itself could create a problem, as black crepe tended to rust, before the invention of aniline dyes. Not only that, but the old black dye was based on arsenic and wore off on the wearer. The most dangerous dyes were green, red, blue and black.

Writing to a correspondent in 1880, the paper had informed a young reader: ‘Very little children are not “put into mourning” as it is termed …’. In 1888 ‘a lady dressmaker’ informed readers that widows need not wear a mourning cap and veil after the first six months but a large muslin collar should be worn for a year.’ [Dixon, 1989: 145 giving extracts from the Girl’s Own Paper ]

Mourning pertaining to women was in three stages: deep mourning, second mourning, and half mourning.

Mourning a spouse generally would last one to 2 ½ years

For a parent: 6 months to a year – Six months in crepe trimmings, three in plain black, and three in half-mourning.” Additionally, society activities would be given up for at least three months, although it was more likely they would be given up for nine months.

For children over 10 yrs old: 6 months to a year

For children under 10 yrs: 3 to 6 months

Infants: 6 weeks and up

For siblings: 6 to 8 months Crepe for three months, plain black for two months, and half mourning for one month. Additionally, society activities would be given up for three months.

For aunts and uncles: 3 to 6 months – No crepe, but plain black fabric with jet ornaments.

For cousins: 6 weeks to 3 months

For aunts or uncles related by marriage: 6 weeks to 3 months – Mourning was conducted without crepe, as it was for great aunts and uncles.

Grandparents: 6 months – The first mourning (crepe) was worn for three months; second mourning, black without crepe, also worn for three months; and half-mourning for three more months. Additionally, society activities would be given up for three months.

For more distant relatives and friends: 3 weeks and up

In deep mourning, women were to wear black, and it had to be a dull hue, and not a lively black. Full veils allowed women not to worry about tears, mottled complexions, or other concerns such as hollowed out eyes through lack of sleep. Widow’s bonnets had a long veil at the back and a shorter one at the front to cover the face. Crepe, should never be worn “by ladies or gentlemen just above the elbow, on the sleeve of ulsters and greatcoats. To do so would be very vulgar.”

Jewelry was very dark, made of stones such as jet, or garnets. Alternatively, the hair of the deceased could be woven into intricate designs or chains, and silhouettes or other likenesses were acceptable. Mother of pearl was another popular material.

By the second mourning, duller black silk fabrics were permitted and widows were allowed to divest their dress of some of their crepe, although not all, in order not to appear to have recovered too quickly. Crepe could be restricted to trimming dresses, capes and bonnets.

Half mourning was the last period, and it was characterized by the lightening of mourning clothes with white, gray, or lavender. Other colors were permitted in half mourning, such as dark blue, dark purple, gray, and lavender, gradually becoming lighter in shade as the period went on. The end of the period was called ‘slighting mourning’ and meant a return to normal clothing.

In some ways ritualized mourning was as good as it was bad. Women, in particular were forced to constrain their enjoyment of life by social mores, instead of following their own instincts as to when they should return to normality. In others, it gave people space, and the visibility, for people to be understanding of their grief. It has to be said that most of this was the preserve of the rich. The poor could afford almost none of this, and certainly didn’t have the luxury of not carrying on as normal.

WW1 saw the end of many of these traditions and rituals. In the UK there wasn’t a single family who did not lose a young man in the war, and other countries were also hit hard. Then the flu pandemic of 1918 killed even more – some estimates make the loss up to 100 million people. The obscene loss of life, coupled with the need to keep the country functioning meant that people simply didn’t have the time to shut themselves away from the world. Life had to go on, and people moved on to a much simpler regime. We can be sure of one thing though. In the 19th century nobody would avoid a bereaved person, or wonder why they were finding it difficult to move on. There are still things we can learn from the Victorians.